Captain's Log:

Well it's been a very quiet week. Very quiet. But it's given me time to adjust and settle in, which is nice. However, I was not relocated to my permanent quarters till yesterday. It is amazing! I was finally able to unpack and put things away. Everything is organized and put where it belongs. It feels nice to be settled and to have my personal effects out.

We managed to find civilization out here. It's about 20 minutes away so that's not too bad. The town, however, is so tiny and small. Last night, we went and saw a movie in their "movie theater" if you can call it that. There are only three screens. They are very tiny screens and they made me miss digital. We saw Star Trek (squee!) as it was the last night it was showing. They had to move it out to move Up in. So they are now showing Night at the Museum 2, Terminator and Up. The tickets and concession are pretty cheap though, so there is that.

They have a siren here that they blast for so many different reasons that it has a tendency to go off multiple times a day and the locals don't even react. Yesterday it went off three times. It's like a tornado siren on crack.

We got to take a look at the theater. It broke my heart. The poor theater gets no respect. Props, costumes, trash, all thrown everywhere. Nothing is taken care of. It's just thrown down and stepped over. One of the things that broke my heart was seeing stacks and stacks of vintage Life magazines just left out and ignored. The oldest one I managed to peek at happened to be from 1943. THOSE DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER CARE!

The weather out here is beautiful. I can't wait to find the track and start walking. Once the rest of the crew gets here, we'll hopefully get access to the gym.

( So, who wants pictures?! )

Captain's Log:

I have taken to using Captain's Log before my facebook status and in my blog's to protest the fact that facebook refuses to allow me to call myself Captain Hooker. I resent this greatly and have decided that they do not take away my ability to consider myself a captain. So there. To be honest, the desire has little to do with the awesome of Star Trek and everything to do with the fact that it reminds me so much of Captain Hook in Peter Pan. But who cares about the why's, right? This is all about the action. The point remains the same. Facebook allowed me to adopt the name Basil Fawlty, taken from an obscure John Cleese character from the hilarious Fawlty Towers, yet they will not let me add the simple title of Captain. Well I thumb my nose at them!

As you can see by the title, something is going on in my life. At this very moment, I am sitting in a dorm room in Blair, Nebraska. This room is merely temporary accomidations, and that is the only reason I am willing to deal with a burned out desk light. I can survive for two days without my desk lamp. It is the Captain thing to do, is it not? I could tell you that Dr. McCoy would agree. After all, does he not say that a little suffering is good for the soul? So I will suffer in silence, rather than cause trouble.

The end of Dirty Dancing is on right now. So much nostalgia watching this. It improves my mood having that movie as my background noise.

Anyways! On to the deal at hand.

As I stated previously, I am now in Blair, Nebraska. Sitting in a dorm room. In the dark. I will be here until July 20th. Quite a long stretch of time, yes? There is good reason for this though. I have marooned myself in the small town of Blair (much dismayed to learn that there is no Walmart in the town of Blair) to be a part of this project http://www.dana.edu/about/blackelkspeaks.

Many of you will remember I was a part of this production a year ago back in my home town. Well we've taken it to the road!

(Swayze just said "Nobody puts Baby in a corner." I wish him strength for his fight with cancer.)

I will be reprising my roles as Lucy and Queen Victoria. I will also be props mistress (as far as I know at this point). I'm thrilled to be a part of this.

(It's the final dance. GUH. I use to try and copy this dance when I was wee with a Pillow Person for my partner. Always makes me wish I could dance.)

AHEM ANYWAYS BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND (hopefully).

Left this morning at 9 am after a night of no sleeping. I was far too anxious. Arrived around 4 pm. Was informed by many road signs that shooting waterfowl from the the highway was prohibited. Had to put a halt on my vehicular version of Duck Hunt. Sadness.

(Fuck me isn't Swayze gorgeous in this movie?)

Finished two books on the way down. Started on the third in the trilogy. Love that trilogy. It's The Forbidden Game trilogy by LJ Smith. Doubtful you have read it, but if you have, you win!

Anyways, my pilot (Kenny) and I arrived a week before the rest of the hoarde, so we shall see how this week adds up. I plan to try and update daily on progress and developments, as any good captain would. Will have pictures to go along with, hopefully. But for now, we will cut this transmission short as I am far too distracted by Swayze and have many things yet to do. I was in the middle of making a pitcher of water. Should finish that. Also would love a shower. And need to sort through things I potentially will need these next few days. Obviously, tv and internet is established. Futher developments reported as time progresses.

This is Captain Hooker, signing out.

Dear Tango,

It's 4:50 in the morning. You woke me up around 3 to be let outside. I haven't been able to fall back to sleep yet, so I thought I'd take this moment to vent about what's been plaguing me these last few weeks.

( Warning, what you are about to read will be LONG and so sappy it could make syrup. You've been warned! )

Being jobless sucks. But the chances of me getting a job that will let me work for three weeks then be gone for about 8 is pretty slim to none. Getting a job is hard enough right now, having to ask off for an extended leave of absence after 3 weeks of employment isn't going to be something many employers are going to go nuts for. So, I just have to sit on my butt and do nothing until I leave for Nebraska. On top of it, I have so many bills to pay. I have my original student loan from when I attempted college the first time, my credit card, health insurance, Lindenwood and my Lindenwood student loans. I'm twitchy about money even when I'm employed, I'm doubly so right now. I just...try not to think about it. If I do, I get sick to my stomach and have to sit on my hands to keep from tearing at my hair.

I've been holed up in my room for the week, avoiding the world. I've needed time to myself, and I think I need a bit more. This hit me hard. For two weeks I was treated as though everything was honky dory and normal, and then BAM, I had the rug pulled out from under me with no warning. I felt secure in my position because I've been an dilligent and hard working employee who never kicked up a fuss or caused trouble. The parents loved me, the kids loved me. This was the first time my boss ever hinted at my doing something wrong. And even then, it wasn't really wrong, because there is no real protocal for calling in sick in the handbook. And besides, I always felt it was better that someone got my message about me not being there the moment the day began, rather than waiting until 3 or 4 hours later, that way things could be set up to cover and what not. And hell, after doing the same thing for 2 years, you don't expect what you're doing to become a punishable behavior. I mean seriously.

I went up there and had a talk with her face to face. As it turns out, she's floundering and the building is going under. The building needs SERIOUS work to stay open, the parking lot has to be redone and parents are losing their jobs left and right. She's kept this a secret from the entire building, which I think is unfair. I think we deserve to know what's going on as our paychecks are on the line. She told me that is the main reason I was laid off, because there just isn't the money anymore, and I wasn't going to be the only one let go. I told her that had she explained things to me like that from the beginning, perhaps I would have been a little more civil with her over the phone when she first told me. I also told her that I had been a good, hard working employee who had given up a lot for that job and was always there to cover when she needed someone, and because of that, I deserved more respect than what she'd given me. I deserved better than being strung along for two weeks, only to have to chase her down over the phone to get any answers.

She agreed with me on that. And she apologized. In the moment, that made me feel better. I kept my temper in check through the entire meeting, but I did cry. I can't help it, I cry very easily when I'm upset. No major sobbing or anything, but tears were rolling down my cheeks.

Then I had to go into the room and get my stuff and see my kids. I lost it when one of them came over to me and gave me a super tight hug and laid their head on my shoulder. I just lost it. It really hit me that that was the last time I would ever see my kids, and I would never get a chance to see their parents to say goodbye. This is why I've been avoiding the world and just keeping to myself. I miss my kids and and my families so much it hurts. I've worked with most of these people and their children for nearly 2 years. I've been with them every step of the way as their tiny 6 week old infants grew and became babies, then toddlers. I've supported them when they've been frustrated, I've cheered with them as their children reached more milestones. You develop a close relationship with the parents when you've got open and supported parents who want to communicate with you and work with you to raise their baby. Most of them I'd see every day, and every day we'd talk about the child and talk about our own lives in general. They've always been interested in my schooling and my theater activites and they'd ask questions and support me in my outside activities, and I'd do the same for them.

I won't get to see the professors second birthday, which is coming up in a few weeks. I won't get to find out if his mom is having a boy or a girl when she has the baby in June. I've been with her through the whole pregnancy and I've counseled her on what to do to help the professor adjust, consoled her when she was frustrated because of his behavoir and lent an ear when she needed to talk.

I won't get to fix the gerber babys hair anymore. She has a full head of gorgeous curls that are starting to get a bit out of control. I was the only one she'd allow to put it in pigtails. Her mom wanted a picture, because as adorable as the gerber baby is, she's a brat about having her picture taken and so far they haven't been able to get one of her and her pigtails. I never got a chance.

I won't get to see lump start moving. I'll miss her first birthday, which is coming up in a few days.

And then there's my girls from last year. I never even got a chance to say goodbye to them. My girls and I, and their parents, have always been really close. I'm going to miss their third birthdays and seeing them move up.

I'm going to miss so much, and that's what hurts the most. I love those kids as if they were my own. Probably a stupid move on my part, but when you care for a child from the age of 6 weeks till the age of 2, day in and day out for 5 days a week, how can you not form an attachment? You have to if you're doing your job right when you're with infants and toddlers, because that's a lot of what their development revolves around.

I miss my kids guys. It's gotten to the point where I've actually picked up the phone and started calling work, ready to beg to be allowed to see my babies, just for a moment, to get a real goodbye in. This isn't the first childcare job I've had, and leaving the kids is always hard, but it's never been this hard. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I didn't leave on my own terms and that I had no time to come to terms with the fact that I was leaving and that I never got a chance to say goodbye to the kids or the parents. It hurts, and I feel like I've let them down. And they'll never know that either, which sucks.

I really miss my babies. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

So. I've been at this job for three years. I was one of the very first people she hired. I was going to be going full time this fall. Now, because I've had bronchitis, I've been fired.Nice yes?

Lets' go through this, so I can vent and get my anger out.

I get bronchitis every year, and I always sound like I'm dying. This year is no exception, but this time I have an abominable fever to go along with it, and I can't move without coughing. This makes chasing after infants and toddlers quite impossible.

So I call in sunday night. I sleep all day monday, wake up around 2:30 am, call in and leave a message. I go to the doctor on Tuesday, get some strong antibiotics and codine laced cough syrup that I take 4 times a day. This cough syrup knocks me out and keeps me sleeping. I roll over around 7 pm and call in and leave a message.

I do this thursday as well. Friday night, I have a voice mail on my phone from my boss that apparently came in Wednesday. I listen to it, and for some reason she tells me I'm not following protocal. Okay my bad, she's never complained about it before though. But if that's the case, I'll call in earlier, no biggie. She, however, is out of town until wednesday, and so I'm not scheduled but need to call her wednesday. Wednesday comes and I call. And call, and call. Goes to voicemail every time. Freaking uot, I run up there, on codine, still feverish, and still hacking my lungs up. I'm unable to speak more than three words without hacking, but I manage to explain that I'm sorry I didn't call in like she wanted me to, but that I've been on really heavy drugs that make me sleepy, and had I know that she wanted to talk to me, I would have called in and done so. My bad, like I said.

She says don't worry about it, and to save myself another trip up there, just have my doctor fax her a note BY FRIDAY. Cool, I can do that, no prob. My doctors office closes early on thursdays and his nurses aren't there, so I call friday morning as soon as they open, and they fax it over friday afternoon. I think all is well, right?

Apparently not. I call monday morning and I ask about the schedule, and she says that she didn't get the note until friday afternoon, and the schedule was made thursday. Uh...okay? So once again, I'm not working. She says I still sound sick anyways, so just call her later in the week. Okay, fine.

I call today, 11 am. No answer, voicemail. I leave a message and wait till 1. Call again, am told she's busy, she'll call me later. 3pm rolls around, no answer. Okay. Call again, once again, I get voicemail. I leave a message, saying I'll call in a half hour. Call at 3:30, no answer. Call at 3:40, finally get an answer. Am told that everything works better without me. That now another worker wants to come back full time, another needs to be replaced by may 15, and that since I'm leaving for another job in three weeks, despite her OKAYING it when I asked her about it IN JANUARY, I now have nothing to offer her.

None of this makes any sense to me, and I don't think I've done anything to warrant being fired. At all.

I have got to get this back under control. My depression is just going bonkers and it's driving me insane. I want it back on the level again. I need to find my balance again. It's been a long time since I've had to really, truly fight myself to find it, but now seems to be one of those times. I know I'll eventually find it, but the fighting just gets so tiring. A person shouldn't have to fight themselves to function in life.

What I find funny about it though, is that so much of the fighting is due to societal standards and acceptances. Society does not accept emotions. It's habit now to ask people how they are doing, and when you do that, you expect the standard answer of fine, even if that isn't the true case. No one wants to be honest with themselves or with anyone else and admit that they experience things that can be viewed as "weakness" or "unacceptable". I find it ridiculous.

My journal is the only person I can truly talk to when I feel bad, because emotions and unhappiness makes people uncomfortable. Even trusted friends and family have a difficult time accepting when things aren't well. People don't know how to handle or accept emotions like sadness coming from someone other than themselves because we aren't taught how to handle our own sadnesses and pains. We're taught to gloss them over and continue on, to walk it off, to let it go, to forget about it, to whatever it is. My parents, when I use to try and explain things to them, would like to tell me to just stop feeling like that. Which only made things worse in the long run, because it angered me. I couldn't make them understand, and they couldn't think of anything else to say. So I stopped telling them I was anything other than "fine". To everyone, I am "fine". To my journal, I am everything else. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm euphoric, I'm erratic, I'm enraged, I'm melancholy, I'm reflective, I'm whatever adjective I can think of to describe my mood.

One of my biggest problems is how honest I am with my emotions. It makes people uncomfortable and it frightens them because it expands beyond their comfort zones. I will admit that some of that stems from the fact that my emotions are strong. There is very rarely a middle ground for what I feel. The gamut of my emotions takes me through extreme feelings and very rarely is it simply "okay". My emotions use adjectives with bold meanings and heavy strokes. I understand that it is hard for people to handle extremes. Hell, it took me nearly 20 years to become accepting and comfortable with it myself. I was so caught up in the norm of feeling and expressing little that I spent endless amounts of energy to mask and disguise those traitorous emotions that wanted to crop up.

Once I stopped doing that, I felt a sense of release, a sense of freedom and acceptance with myself that I'd never felt before. I'm done hiding these emotions under a wicker basket. I'm going to let it all out in the open via my journal and accepts what comes my way as a result. If it frightens people off, then so be it. But I'm done being "fine" for the benefit of society. I've busted out my thesaurus, I'm ready to be quixotic and bust out of that mold. Bring on the windmills!

Musical number? Depressingly lackluster.

Montages? Beautiful.

SLUMDOG WINS?! AMAZING OMG. I was so happy all night! Seeing all the wee little kids from the movie was so great. Everyone was so happy, and Danny Boyle was just adorable.

AND FUCK YES KATE WINSLET WINNING. WELL DESERVED. She's amazing, I love her. And she's being adorable with the press right now. Man I love her!

Isn't it funny that there are certain things a person consistantly turns to for comfort? One of my kids at work puts his fingers in his mouth. Another one has a blanket, and another has a puppy, another a monkey, so on and so forth. When I get uncomfortable, I get really quiet, and sort of look around awkwardly trying to figure out what I should do. I also have a tendency to move my feet or play with my necklace, if I'm wearing one, or touch my neck. That's all when I'm not within the familiar and safe walls of my room. When I'm in my room, I usually grab my teddy bear for a squeeze and I turn on music. But not just any music. I have a very specific band I turn to when I'm really feeling low and crying.

You all will most likely laugh, as this is one of the most hated upon bands I've ever seen. But for me, they've been my life line when things got tough. They've been a constant uplifter for...man, probably about 10 years give or take a few. I'm not even really sure what it is about them, but they help me calm down and keep me level so I can regain my footing and continue on. Hearing everyone hate on them does sort of suck, because they are so personal for me. When they fell apart I felt betrayed and hurt. It took me some time to come to terms with that. But, I've come to terms and I'm back to using them when I need support and to even out my emotions.


I'm giving up my theater major.


So I really need them right now. A night spent crying clued me in to that.









I could go on for days, but I won't. I'll just post this and know that I'll always have this music to fall back on when I feel my depression wrap it's bony thin fingers tightly around my spine while it clambers up my back in hopes of gaining a foothold in my mind. I'm not going to let it. I refuse to give in.

Dear Lindenwood.

IHU

Times that by....lets say...190230352980765294798034679034760349680239604029865924762

repeat about...2398057249572349065790234769034693069036 times.

You are killing my theater drive.

This makes me hate you more.

No love from me.

Valentine's Day is coming up. Do you know what that means?

THE GHOST AND MRS. MUIR! WOOT! Captain Gregg has been my valentine for three years now. Hardly time to break tradition!



Best.Movie.Ever.

Sadly, it's not well known. Should be though, Rex Harrison is a fox. And the passion and feeling in this movie leaves me with goosebumps. It's extremely good work, and such a wonderful story. It's simple, but it's touching. LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!!!