Being jobless sucks. But the chances of me getting a job that will let me work for three weeks then be gone for about 8 is pretty slim to none. Getting a job is hard enough right now, having to ask off for an extended leave of absence after 3 weeks of employment isn't going to be something many employers are going to go nuts for. So, I just have to sit on my butt and do nothing until I leave for Nebraska. On top of it, I have so many bills to pay. I have my original student loan from when I attempted college the first time, my credit card, health insurance, Lindenwood and my Lindenwood student loans. I'm twitchy about money even when I'm employed, I'm doubly so right now. I just...try not to think about it. If I do, I get sick to my stomach and have to sit on my hands to keep from tearing at my hair.

I've been holed up in my room for the week, avoiding the world. I've needed time to myself, and I think I need a bit more. This hit me hard. For two weeks I was treated as though everything was honky dory and normal, and then BAM, I had the rug pulled out from under me with no warning. I felt secure in my position because I've been an dilligent and hard working employee who never kicked up a fuss or caused trouble. The parents loved me, the kids loved me. This was the first time my boss ever hinted at my doing something wrong. And even then, it wasn't really wrong, because there is no real protocal for calling in sick in the handbook. And besides, I always felt it was better that someone got my message about me not being there the moment the day began, rather than waiting until 3 or 4 hours later, that way things could be set up to cover and what not. And hell, after doing the same thing for 2 years, you don't expect what you're doing to become a punishable behavior. I mean seriously.

I went up there and had a talk with her face to face. As it turns out, she's floundering and the building is going under. The building needs SERIOUS work to stay open, the parking lot has to be redone and parents are losing their jobs left and right. She's kept this a secret from the entire building, which I think is unfair. I think we deserve to know what's going on as our paychecks are on the line. She told me that is the main reason I was laid off, because there just isn't the money anymore, and I wasn't going to be the only one let go. I told her that had she explained things to me like that from the beginning, perhaps I would have been a little more civil with her over the phone when she first told me. I also told her that I had been a good, hard working employee who had given up a lot for that job and was always there to cover when she needed someone, and because of that, I deserved more respect than what she'd given me. I deserved better than being strung along for two weeks, only to have to chase her down over the phone to get any answers.

She agreed with me on that. And she apologized. In the moment, that made me feel better. I kept my temper in check through the entire meeting, but I did cry. I can't help it, I cry very easily when I'm upset. No major sobbing or anything, but tears were rolling down my cheeks.

Then I had to go into the room and get my stuff and see my kids. I lost it when one of them came over to me and gave me a super tight hug and laid their head on my shoulder. I just lost it. It really hit me that that was the last time I would ever see my kids, and I would never get a chance to see their parents to say goodbye. This is why I've been avoiding the world and just keeping to myself. I miss my kids and and my families so much it hurts. I've worked with most of these people and their children for nearly 2 years. I've been with them every step of the way as their tiny 6 week old infants grew and became babies, then toddlers. I've supported them when they've been frustrated, I've cheered with them as their children reached more milestones. You develop a close relationship with the parents when you've got open and supported parents who want to communicate with you and work with you to raise their baby. Most of them I'd see every day, and every day we'd talk about the child and talk about our own lives in general. They've always been interested in my schooling and my theater activites and they'd ask questions and support me in my outside activities, and I'd do the same for them.

I won't get to see the professors second birthday, which is coming up in a few weeks. I won't get to find out if his mom is having a boy or a girl when she has the baby in June. I've been with her through the whole pregnancy and I've counseled her on what to do to help the professor adjust, consoled her when she was frustrated because of his behavoir and lent an ear when she needed to talk.

I won't get to fix the gerber babys hair anymore. She has a full head of gorgeous curls that are starting to get a bit out of control. I was the only one she'd allow to put it in pigtails. Her mom wanted a picture, because as adorable as the gerber baby is, she's a brat about having her picture taken and so far they haven't been able to get one of her and her pigtails. I never got a chance.

I won't get to see lump start moving. I'll miss her first birthday, which is coming up in a few days.

And then there's my girls from last year. I never even got a chance to say goodbye to them. My girls and I, and their parents, have always been really close. I'm going to miss their third birthdays and seeing them move up.

I'm going to miss so much, and that's what hurts the most. I love those kids as if they were my own. Probably a stupid move on my part, but when you care for a child from the age of 6 weeks till the age of 2, day in and day out for 5 days a week, how can you not form an attachment? You have to if you're doing your job right when you're with infants and toddlers, because that's a lot of what their development revolves around.

I miss my kids guys. It's gotten to the point where I've actually picked up the phone and started calling work, ready to beg to be allowed to see my babies, just for a moment, to get a real goodbye in. This isn't the first childcare job I've had, and leaving the kids is always hard, but it's never been this hard. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I didn't leave on my own terms and that I had no time to come to terms with the fact that I was leaving and that I never got a chance to say goodbye to the kids or the parents. It hurts, and I feel like I've let them down. And they'll never know that either, which sucks.

I really miss my babies. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.