As predicted, I worked by myself all day. I think it worked in my favor. I had such bad cramps that I don't think I could have dealt with anyone bothering me. Ugh. I am not a fan of this. It's like nothing below my shoulders does not hurt. Not. cool. I was going to go see Rifftrax Live tonight but I just can't take it.
It's times like these that make me wonder if I am as truly over the depression as I like to believe I am. I'm just so out of it. I'm not myself. My mom told me I'm not acting normal. I don't feel normal. I feel tired and teary. Things I do not want to feel, because I do NOT want to start the medication mambo again. I do not want to have a pill ball and chain for the rest of my life. People are not suppose to cry all the time. I don't like having a broken brain. I don't like not feeling like I want to do anything. I was invited to go to the zoo on Friday. I love the zoo, but I don't feel like I can even bother to muster up the energy to get out of bed to go. The mere idea of going out wears me out. The thought of doing anything makes me tired. All I want to do is curl up in my bed, hug my bear and not move. Period.
I can't give in to this. Giving in will only make it worse, but it's so damn hard. Not bothering is so much easier. I don't want to make judgments though. It hasn't been this bad till this last week, or the end of last. This may just be a side effect of being hormonal. I've gone out quite a bit this summer, more than I could afford, naturally, but I did it. Like always, making myself leave was hard, but it wasn't ever this daunting. I am hoping and praying that all of this, and that nonsense last night, is just a temporary visitor. It will come and go like the stupid ridiculousness that (hopefully) brought it in. I just hope this is not going to be a monthly routine. So not up for this every month.
Please, please go away, depression. I have finally been able to find a life without you, I don't want you bad. Our relationship, while lengthy, was never good or healthy. I can't do this song and dance with you on a frequent basis. I'm not strong enough to deal with it.