Being jobless sucks. But the chances of me getting a job that will let me work for three weeks then be gone for about 8 is pretty slim to none. Getting a job is hard enough right now, having to ask off for an extended leave of absence after 3 weeks of employment isn't going to be something many employers are going to go nuts for. So, I just have to sit on my butt and do nothing until I leave for Nebraska. On top of it, I have so many bills to pay. I have my original student loan from when I attempted college the first time, my credit card, health insurance, Lindenwood and my Lindenwood student loans. I'm twitchy about money even when I'm employed, I'm doubly so right now. I just...try not to think about it. If I do, I get sick to my stomach and have to sit on my hands to keep from tearing at my hair.

I've been holed up in my room for the week, avoiding the world. I've needed time to myself, and I think I need a bit more. This hit me hard. For two weeks I was treated as though everything was honky dory and normal, and then BAM, I had the rug pulled out from under me with no warning. I felt secure in my position because I've been an dilligent and hard working employee who never kicked up a fuss or caused trouble. The parents loved me, the kids loved me. This was the first time my boss ever hinted at my doing something wrong. And even then, it wasn't really wrong, because there is no real protocal for calling in sick in the handbook. And besides, I always felt it was better that someone got my message about me not being there the moment the day began, rather than waiting until 3 or 4 hours later, that way things could be set up to cover and what not. And hell, after doing the same thing for 2 years, you don't expect what you're doing to become a punishable behavior. I mean seriously.

I went up there and had a talk with her face to face. As it turns out, she's floundering and the building is going under. The building needs SERIOUS work to stay open, the parking lot has to be redone and parents are losing their jobs left and right. She's kept this a secret from the entire building, which I think is unfair. I think we deserve to know what's going on as our paychecks are on the line. She told me that is the main reason I was laid off, because there just isn't the money anymore, and I wasn't going to be the only one let go. I told her that had she explained things to me like that from the beginning, perhaps I would have been a little more civil with her over the phone when she first told me. I also told her that I had been a good, hard working employee who had given up a lot for that job and was always there to cover when she needed someone, and because of that, I deserved more respect than what she'd given me. I deserved better than being strung along for two weeks, only to have to chase her down over the phone to get any answers.

She agreed with me on that. And she apologized. In the moment, that made me feel better. I kept my temper in check through the entire meeting, but I did cry. I can't help it, I cry very easily when I'm upset. No major sobbing or anything, but tears were rolling down my cheeks.

Then I had to go into the room and get my stuff and see my kids. I lost it when one of them came over to me and gave me a super tight hug and laid their head on my shoulder. I just lost it. It really hit me that that was the last time I would ever see my kids, and I would never get a chance to see their parents to say goodbye. This is why I've been avoiding the world and just keeping to myself. I miss my kids and and my families so much it hurts. I've worked with most of these people and their children for nearly 2 years. I've been with them every step of the way as their tiny 6 week old infants grew and became babies, then toddlers. I've supported them when they've been frustrated, I've cheered with them as their children reached more milestones. You develop a close relationship with the parents when you've got open and supported parents who want to communicate with you and work with you to raise their baby. Most of them I'd see every day, and every day we'd talk about the child and talk about our own lives in general. They've always been interested in my schooling and my theater activites and they'd ask questions and support me in my outside activities, and I'd do the same for them.

I won't get to see the professors second birthday, which is coming up in a few weeks. I won't get to find out if his mom is having a boy or a girl when she has the baby in June. I've been with her through the whole pregnancy and I've counseled her on what to do to help the professor adjust, consoled her when she was frustrated because of his behavoir and lent an ear when she needed to talk.

I won't get to fix the gerber babys hair anymore. She has a full head of gorgeous curls that are starting to get a bit out of control. I was the only one she'd allow to put it in pigtails. Her mom wanted a picture, because as adorable as the gerber baby is, she's a brat about having her picture taken and so far they haven't been able to get one of her and her pigtails. I never got a chance.

I won't get to see lump start moving. I'll miss her first birthday, which is coming up in a few days.

And then there's my girls from last year. I never even got a chance to say goodbye to them. My girls and I, and their parents, have always been really close. I'm going to miss their third birthdays and seeing them move up.

I'm going to miss so much, and that's what hurts the most. I love those kids as if they were my own. Probably a stupid move on my part, but when you care for a child from the age of 6 weeks till the age of 2, day in and day out for 5 days a week, how can you not form an attachment? You have to if you're doing your job right when you're with infants and toddlers, because that's a lot of what their development revolves around.

I miss my kids guys. It's gotten to the point where I've actually picked up the phone and started calling work, ready to beg to be allowed to see my babies, just for a moment, to get a real goodbye in. This isn't the first childcare job I've had, and leaving the kids is always hard, but it's never been this hard. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I didn't leave on my own terms and that I had no time to come to terms with the fact that I was leaving and that I never got a chance to say goodbye to the kids or the parents. It hurts, and I feel like I've let them down. And they'll never know that either, which sucks.

I really miss my babies. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

So my friend Melanie comes home from college this weekend. I've been waiting for this all week. And what happens? I get attacked by an evil sick. More than just sick. When my doctor looked in my throat he actually said "Ew!"

He's never ewed me before, I'm his favorite person! (or so he says, but I prefer to believe him. It's nice to be someones favorite person) My tonsils are all pus covered and bloody. I've swabbed them myself. I get really bad tonsil stones when I'm sick, and I use cotton swabs to pop them out, which is why they've been swabbed. Apparently, I can be used in chemical warfare am contagious. Which means no Melanie this weekend. Which means no Pirate Festival this weekend. No NOTHING this weekend. This is me...bummed. When I'm not sleeping that is.

But in all seriousness, it must be bad. He gave me steroids. He's NEVER given me steroids before. Course, my uvula has never been swollen before either. I'm kind of nervous though. Steroids = no fun. He also gave me cough syrup with codine. Hallelujah for pain relief. That and the amox-clav is normal. It's the steroids that are throwing me off.

I think i've literally been awake for about 5 hours in the past 2 days. Doesn't bother me none, as I don't hurt when I'm sleeping. I can't talk either. No voice at all. Ugh. Stupid babies and their stupid viruses.

No, I take that back. I adore my babies. I love them all to bits. I just hate when viruses attack my room and my babies. Usually, I am immune to such things, because kid germs are mighty powerful, and you build up quite an immunity to them in your first year of working with them. But every once in a while, one sneaks in and BAM. I'm just glad I called in yesterday. We've got an 8 week old baby now, and I've been spending lots of time with her. Not cause she's cute or anythign, because new born babies are NEVER cute, I don't care who you are, but because 8 week old babies sort of force you to spend a lot of time with them. Babies are evil geniuses when it comes to stealing your time. This one looks like a real suspicious old lady, and it cracks me up. She's also a ginger baby, which is really creepy because her hair is so red, it looks like her head is on fire. She shares her name with a mechanic on a show named for a bug with a glowing butt. That's as close as I'll come to revealing her name. Those who know the show should get it. Mom spelled it differently, of course, because she isn't cool enough to know said show.

Also? Mom has no idea what to do with baby, even though she works with me. It's almost sad to see. Mom doesn't talk or snuggle her when she comes to pick her up, like most moms do. She just plunks her in her car seat and they are on their way. In fact, she cut her maternity leave short because she wanted to get back to work and hand her off as quick as she could. Neither she or her husband are baby people, and I think she's much happier having baby in our care than in hers. Oh well, she'll get better. Not everyone is a natural with babies, I always have to remind myself that. For me, it comes so easily, it always has. Babies have been my obsession since I was a wee ickle thing. Even if they are disgusting. Because they are. Things come from every single hole on them. In fact, the other day, we had a 1 year old with a major nose bleed. THAT was fun, insert sarcasm here. I'll spare you all the gorey details, but it is extremely unusual for a child that young to have a nose bleed. It sent her family into a panic, as dad has actually had to have a transfusion because of nosebleeds. Ouch. Baby has had another one since then. I just hope this doesn't become a regular occurance...at least until she's two and not in my room anymore ;)

Well, I'm going to go play Ages of Mythology. I bought it for myself because I felt like crap. Whee. I've got five episodes of MST3K playing in my dvd changer. Lets see...Horror of Party Beach, which is where my icon comes from hehe, Gunslinger, Swamp Diamonds, Escape 2000 and Warrior of the Lost World. And with that, I will leave you with the warning to LEAVE THE BRONX. If you don't get it, pay no heed.

I was so mad at Grey's tonight. I'm seriously starting to really dislike the show so much. Bailey makes it all amazing though. The mentioning Denny made me seethe at how nonchalant she was about him. RAWR. That made me so flippin mad! The show just bugs me now. George and Izzie don't work and would never work. They are too much the same person. And have no chemistry to boot! Meredith seems to have a constant stick up her ass and I just want to beat her. Ugh. I seriously would give up on the show if one of the mothers at work didn't like to come in and talk to me about it when she picks up her daughter.

But on to better things. I read a book tonight that totally made me fall in love with reading all over again. I was re-inspired, and I so needed that. Part of it may be because I'm overly hormonal at the moment, but I really don't think that's it. I had tears in my eyes at the end of the book I got so mushy. It's called Fantasy Lover by Sherrilyn Kenyon. Love, Greek Mythology and humor. I was sold. I started it at 11:30 and finished it about 20 minutes ago, unable to put it down. I'm just so in love. I feel refreshed! It's so funny how simple things like that can make me feel so amazing, but they can! I guess I'm just a simple person. I loved the characters, I could feel the chemistry, I love how they connected and I love how they discovered themselves at the same time. It was just...ugh. And I could not help but giggle every time Priapus was mentioned, because it always made me think of priapism. Damn those stupid commercials, but hehe! In thinking about priapism, I thought of the movie Robin Hood: Men in Tights, because of the part where King Richard declares that all toilets will be known as John's. Which is why I found the whole mentioning Priapus funny. But I digress.

I got my hair done yesterday! I'll have to post pictures, it looks really cute. At least, I think so, but I'm never a good judge of these things. It took the woman over 3 hours because I have so much flippin hair. Ugh. I did it in hopes of helping my crappy week. I've just felt bleck. I miss New York like a fiend, I've been overly hormonal like you wouldn't believe and it's just sucked. Watching the way my babies react to their mothers when they picked them up just made my ovaries explode, seriously. Nature is cruel with it's ability to make women long for a baby, when the woman knows good and well that it's not the time, nor is it ever likely to really happen, so what's the point in longing? But oh the ache it can create. Right in your very center.It just...ugh. No. I'm done going down that path.It's just not in the cards for me. I'll learn to deal.

I did get some nice news though. The acting classes at my school have to write 2 play reviews a semester, so naturally, there were a lot of reviews handed in about Cripple. My acting teacher said that every single review that was turned in to her praised my performance and my accent. She said this wasn't just generally across the board, this was every single one. That made me feel pretty damn good for a few minutes. Then real life squashed that feeling down real quick. Ah well. At least I have my babies to make me feel better. I wish I could capture the reaction Sarah gives me when I come in for the day. Nothing has ever made me feel so important before in my entire life. She's 7 months old, and when she sees me, her whole face just scrunches into the biggest grin she can manage (She's a tiny little thing!) her eyes light up, she starts bouncing in place and she squeals! When I pick her up, she just beams at me and scrunches her fingers into my hair/neck/face (and it REALLY hurts, but I so don't care) and just squeals some more and buries her face in my neck. It's just...wow. I've never gotten such a reaction before! It's so...I don't know what it is, but it just melts me into goo. Those hugs she gives me just make my day, even if they hurt like hell. Lauren gives me big hugs too, but she's much less demonstrative about it. She always has been. She's the most serious 8 month old I know. Sarah's going to be gone for the summer, and you better believe I'm going to miss her like crazy. It's so funny, but she follows me around with her eyes constantly, no matter who's got her or what she's doing. Once she sees me come in, she's glued. Even when mom is holding her she watches me. Oh I love that baby so much.

I wish Borders was open right now. I need another book to distract myself so I can stop making myself cry. I may never suffer from a monthly period (yes, I know this isn't a good thing, but I can't afford to see a doctor, right now. And all they'll do is put me on birth control (which I find ironic) and I don't want anymore pills. That's how they fixed it last time, and I just do not want to have to take more feckin pills to make my body behave normally. I take one to stay sane, to sleep and to get by. I'm done with pills. That and I have no insurance coverage, so no feckin way.) but I suffer from the mood swings and such. It's awful. Urgh.