Argh, it's hit me. That itchy-must-do-something-drastic-and-outrageous-or-I'll-burst feeling. Usually, I go for my hair, but I can't do that with a show coming up. I have no outlet for this and it's bringing me nearly to tears of frustration. I want to explode creatively, but I feel like I have so many ideas running through me at once that if I try to release one, they'll all try and pour out of me at the same time and in the end, nothing will happen but a big creative blockage and much frustration. And not having my computer makes it so I don't have any of my previous stuff to work on, and I don't have my photoshop either. It's just devastating because I'm desperate for a release that won't ever come. It's like I've got a spring in me and it's been wound too tightly. Just....ugh, I don't know.

Insurance is 200 dollars a MONTH. I hate myself for that, because I hate being such a burden on my parents. I would give anything to be able to go back in time so I could not take a break from school. I'm going to be 26 before I have a bachelor's degree. 26....god, what am I going to do? My parent's can't be responsible for me for 3 more years. But if I'm going to be able to do what I love, they're going to have to. Or I'm going to have to just drop out of school and forget about ever finishing. It's not like I'm ever going to BE anything or anyone. Just some stupid podunk girl stuck in the middle of nowhere with nowhere to go and no one that'll even realize she's there. Except her parent's but only because she's too much of a loser to be able to take care of herself.

I absolutely hate having to ask for money. But I have no choice. A weekend job has been discussed, but that'll mean I'll be working seven days a week, school five days a week, rehearsing a lot of that time as well. I couldn't deal with that. I feel like the biggest loser on the face of the earth. Show's always make that feeling much more prominent. How? Because at the stage door, the other people on the cast and crew usually have a group of people that have come for them....for the four shows I've been involved with, not a single person has shown up for me. Oh, my parent's have seen 2 of them, but they never tell me when they are coming, and beat it immediately. And, really, it doesn't matter, that isn't the point of the whole thing, it's just...why do I always end up so isolated? Do I do something or say something? I don't understand why I've been so isolated from everyone all my life. Maybe I'm just tired, I don't know. But I just feel out of place. Even at my job I feel out of place. I'm just in the way. And on top of the weekly cleaning list, the names of all the teachers in the room but mine are listed. I ignored it last week, played it off like it was funny this week, but still...I was the first fucking person in that room. The day that building opened, last April 3rd, I was the first teacher in that room, and I feel ousted. I guess maybe it's time to move on, but I would miss my babies so much if I did. The 8 month old crawls across the room when she sees me with a big grin on her face so I'll pick her up, and when I do she gives me the tightest hug. When her mom comes, she'll even reach over from her mom for me to hold her, and has even let her walk out of the room as if she was leaving without so much as the bat of an eye. All my babies are that way. But I can't make ends meet and I can't keep on like this. But leaving...ugh. It's so confusing.

The Ballad of Sweeney Todd actually made me feel much better. I haven't heard that in so long, since I lost my computer, since it was all on there. I just had to buy The Ballad of Sweeney Todd on my dads, I missed it.

In all my previous plans, I had imagined I'd be done with school by now. And it's to the point where I have to take 3 classes over the summer to even think of being done with just the first two years by the spring semester. How did I fuck myself up so much?

I wish I could go see my therapist, but I can't afford it. And I'm not asking for money to do so. It would be 90 bucks a month just for medicine and doctors if I saw him just once a month. It's all so damn expensive. And all he'd say is take a shitty weekend job. I just couldn't tolerate taking a shitty assed job on top of everything else. Things get intense enough with just one job, school and theater. I just don't know how to make this better.